An Adulterous Christian

The following did not happen during one of my block-outs. I was fully aware of my actions. I wish I could hide behind the emotional roller coaster that was my life but there is no excuse I can give you, that will make what I did, right or justifiable.

I could lie to you and say that I didn't know what I was doing or that some personality took over but the truth is that I was an adulterer and there is no going around it.

After I realized the huge mistake I had made, I became very depressed. I tried very hard to find ways to be happy in spite of what my situation was. Nothing worked. Of course, I didn't try prayer. I had no one I could go to because I had no trust in my pastor and I had no friends.

I kept hearing that my husband was having affairs. He sometimes spoke to his best friend's wife on the phone and even though I don't know what she was saying most of the time, I could tell that there was some interest on both of their parts.

She always called to complain about her husband, about how lonely she was and that her husband wouldn't even touch her. Come on now! I was much, much younger than my husband, twenty-three years younger but I was not stupid.

One time she called and we were in bed trying to be all romantic. He stopped whatever he was doing. He then rested my head on his chest while he was talking to her. All of a sudden, he began caressing my naked body while talking to her about her husband’s behavior.

His was telling her that he couldn’t understand why her husband wasn't turned on by her clean, soft and mocha skin. I got up, took a shower and went to the living room to watch television. He didn't even care. He continued talking on the phone.

About an hour later, he came to the living room pretending to be interested in continuing what we were doing before. I told him that I felt like I was being disrespected in my own home and in my own bed. He just laughed and said that he just felt sorry for the lady.

Whatever! The sexual expression on his face had nothing to do with compassion. The rumors continued about my husband’s infidelity and even my grandmother would tell me that she would see him several days a week go by her house with a lady in the passenger seat.

I was upset by the whole thing. I wasn’t in love with the man but I loved him. His behavior was unacceptable to me and I felt like I was being walked on because I was trying to be a good wife. I wanted to get back at him while justifying my choices by his actions. When the opportunity presented itself, I didn’t stop to think, I went for it.

An old boyfriend, who always kept in touch, saw me one day and asked me for a date. He knew I was married but so was he. So, he didn't care. Just five or six months after I got married, I accepted to go out with him and I saw him for about a month. We had been friends for more than five years, we were very close, and he knew me pretty well and was very kind to me and my family. He was always there when I needed a friend.

He was completely against me marrying my first husband. Sure, he also had selfish reasons for it but he also knew that I was not in love and that I was already suffering for my choices. Although, he was willing to be there for me, I realized that I was still empty inside and even sadder for myself.

I was very unhappy and I was lost; lost in sin and darkness. I knew it was wrong but I didn't know how to stop myself. I needed something and marriage was not the answer. Neither was cheating but it seemed to keep me from going crazy; that the lie I fed myself. He was a lot more caring and understanding than my own husband but after a month of that, I decided that God deserved better from me. I was ashamed of myself. Actually, guilt was killing me.

I went before God asking for forgiveness every day until I felt released and cleansed. I stopped being a cheater and became a totally devoted wife. I seemed to be kind of an extremist. I go all the way when I decide to do something.

Even though I was not happy, I committed myself to making my husband happy. I made sure his dinner was hot and ready, waiting for him on the table. I often massaged his tired feet and I prepared frequent bubble baths for him. I treated him as the king of the castle. He was happy with my services but we were still growing apart as each day passed because I wasn’t who he wanted me to be. He honestly thought that I was his dead wife reincarnated but he couldn’t accept that I wasn’t.

My circumstances were not the best as I was not in love with the man I married. Worst, he was not in love with me and he treated me like I was a possession somewhat like his car.

There were times when he would kiss me in the morning before leaving, all happy to start the day and then in the afternoon he would come back to the house as though no one else was there. He wouldn't talk nor acknowledge me.

Sometimes, this would last for days even when I would try talking to him. He would just ignore me. When things were better, I would ask him if I had done something to upset him and his answer was always, "You didn't do anything. Some times, I just don't want to talk and I need to be alone."

With all this said, I accept that there is no valid reason for me to break, violate or ignore my vows or the respect I held for my God, my husband and myself. I accept that I was wrong. I sinned and may God have mercy on me.

No one forced me to, no one convinced me and I was in my right mind so I can’t use insanity as an excuse. I knew better but I chose to do wrong on my free will. Sure at the time I was justifying my actions with every excuse possible but down deep I knew that God expected and demanded much more of me.

I had put myself in a prison from which I couldn’t escape because I had not sought God’s will. I put my life, my salvation and most importantly, my relationship with God in danger because I wanted to run away from my problems without having to face them.

I didn’t stop to think about the consequences of my actions. I had no sense of purpose and no sense of direction. I thought that by marrying this man or any man for that matter, all my problems would have been solved.

In my heart all I wanted was to leave home and I knew the only way to do so without having to confront my mother would be to get married. I didn’t consider what God’s plans were for me . I messed up big time and I felt helpless in the situation. Most of the time we are quick to act or react without putting in prospective God’s involvement in the situation and then we are left in a mess that only God can take us out of.

We want God to trust us with the live He has given us just like in the parable of “The Talents” Matthew 25:14- 30, but time after time , we fall short of His expectations for us. We continuously shortchange ourselves because we forget who the real Master is and mostly behave like we have no wisdom.