Details About My Weird Wedding

We got married in 1990. It was a huge wedding. Between the both of us, we spent over seventeen thousand dollars. The wedding party consisted of the bride, groom, my stepfather and my dad, the best man, matron of honor, ring bearer, the flower girl, the ribbon girl (who opened the ceremony by cutting the ribbons) and seven bride's maid, each with their companion. So the wedding party alone consisted of twenty-three people.

I don't know if this has ever been done before but I had both my stepfather and my daddy walk me down the isle. The church had three doors, one on each side and one to the front. My father came in through the right hand side alone and I walked in with my stepfather, my daddy, through the left door. We then met by the main entrance, the front door where both men were at my side. All three of us walked to the altar and then my father gave me back to my stepfather who then gave me to the groom in marriage.

I know, pretty complicated but I was pushed against the wall by my family, my emotions, my compromising ways and my pain. I was mad at my stepfather because even when he was so ill, he was still looking at me and making me feel dirty. The actual abuse was no longer going on but he was still the same person even after all those years. Just before the hurricane, I caught him trying to peep through the bathroom window while I showered.

I wanted my real father to be the one to walk me down the isle. I wanted my marriage to be good and blessed. Instead it was like a curse. It felt wrong and dirty. My brother was not aware of what I was hiding or of all I had gone through. So, when I mentioned that I wanted my father to be the one to walk me down the isle he got infuriated and he threatened to walk out on me and not take part in the wedding if I didn't allow his dad to walk me. He yelled and cursed at me right in the church during a rehearsal because he felt I was being ungrateful.

I understood what he meant and I would have agreed with him totally if it wasn't for what his dad had put me through. I cried and searched for a balance and having both of them take part was the best thing for me at the time and it would avoid a disaster with the family.

We hired caterers and decorators but I worked all night and until seven in the morning, the day of the wedding. The workers ran out on the lady who was taking care of decorating the reception hall. We worked hard but it paid off.

We had over two hundred and fifty people and they were all taken care of in the most elegant manner. The groom and I went table by table greeting, thanking and making sure that everyone got themselves a souvenir along with lots of food and good service from the help. They all seemed happy to be there.

Before and during the nuptial ceremony I remember people asking me if I was nervous. I wasn't, I don't think I truly realized that it was me getting married until later. It seemed to me like I was watching the whole thing from afar or like I was the coordinator. I was positioning the children and everyone to enter as rehearsed and even when I was walking down the isle, I kept directing. Now that I think of it, what in the world was I doing? Who gets married like that?

I don't remember much more but I had a very special moment which will always be with me. At the reception, I asked all the children that were present, to gather around me and I asked the photographer to take a picture of us. To me it is simply breathtaking seeing myself surrounded by the children which were about thirty of them. It made me happy.

It is so weird because I didn't have the blessing of having children of my own but even though there was a wedding going on, my wedding, I felt led to surround myself with loving angels, the children. Now, I see it as God's way of telling me that I would be loved by children even if they aren't mine. At that moment, surrounded by innocence, I felt blessed more than any other woman I know.

As life would have it, I also cried. Some of my husband’s friends fell in love with the centerpieces we made for the tables and began asking him if they could take some home. One of them had already taken several without asking and the groom went crazy. How embarrassing! All of a sudden, he began yelling at them and people were shocked to see his behavior. I just began crying and ran into the bathroom.

My mother had to come and get me out of there. After that scene, I was ready to leave. I gave my good-byes to those around me and got inside the limousine.
The truth is that this was a moment of opportunity for me to release the tears I was fighting so hard to hold back to keep from flowing. In the middle of my wedding, I woke up and realize what a horrible mistake I had just committed against myself but I was too unhappy to even care.

Everyone thought I was tired but the truth was that I had just agreed to marry a stranger; a man I never saw as anything else other than a good friend; a man who I felt didn't love me at all. Yet, some how, I had managed to convince myself that he did until it was too late to back out. Doomed, I tell you! This has been one of the worst things I did to myself. I had on an eleven hundred dollar dress but felt like I was dressed in rags. Everyone spoke of how beautiful I looked and all I could see before me was a broken life about to get worse.

I felt like I had just been sent to prison for life. I could see the bars and felt my face pressed against them. If there was a time I wished I could turn back the clock, the day of my wedding was it.

Truly, choosing a man to marry without God’s blessing is one of the greatest curses a person can enter themselves into. I found this out the hard way.

"Wow, it had been a long, long day for me. Finally, I was ready to go home and rest; but wait! This was my wedding night! What was I thinking about, rest? I must have lost it for a minute there! The last thing in the groom's mind was resting.

Well, I found out that we would be staying at a beautiful hotel for the night and I pretended like I was happy and excited about it. I don't know what it was, maybe, all the pressure I had just set myself for or just the fact that I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on me but I was extremely exhausted; I felt drained and like I was beginning to fade away. I don’t remember the limousine ride from the reception to downtown which was about twenty five minutes of distance. We also had to take a five minute ferry to the hotel which I don’t remember either. Once we got to the hotel, I remember going in the bathroom and wanted to stay there all night. I wanted to hide and pretend that this day never happened.

Dream on though, the groom came knocking on the door, asking to come in. I asked him to wait while I undressed and got in the bath tub. He then came in and ask if we could shower together. This was not our first time but it felt that way to me. I didn't even answer him. He got undressed and into the tub while I was trying to hide myself.

He laughed at me, asking why I would hide from him. He made fun of me because I was embarrassed. I got lost after that.The truth is that after that moment, I have no recollection of the events that followed. I don't remember having sex that night but I think I must have because when I woke up the next morning, I was in bed, naked. My hands were touching my body and I could feel my own skin.

My heart began racing and without moving a muscle, I opened my eyes to take a peek and saw the walls and didn't recognize the color. The walls of my bedroom at home were a light green and I was staring at white walls.

Oh God! I was scared! No, the word is terrified or petrified because I didn't know where I was and I didn’t understand why I was naked. All that was crossing my mind was that I would never be able to explain to my mother why I didn't come home that night, where I was and who I was with. Oh yes, I was twenty seven years old but my mother would have beaten me severely. Her control over me was that extreme.

To make things worst, I didn't know who it was that I heard breathing next to me. I was hoping it wasn’t a man but maybe one of my family members like my sister or my niece or even my mom.

Had I spent the night out and with a man? I was dead for sure. The thoughts flooded my mind and I wanted to scream. I began to tremble and crying I whispered to myself, "I am scared." He heard me but didn't understand that I was confused, so he said, "You don't need to be scared. You are now a married woman."

It took me a moment to remember that I had gotten married the night before, and then a ton of relief sighed off me. The memories were vague and clouded; just bits and pieces. I felt some hesitation but I turned to my husband and hugged him. Never mind that I couldn't remember what happened that night. I didn't have to face my mother's wrath. I decided that it was a good time to act like I was married and made my husband happy.

Relief was good, very good. I would have done anything at that time as long as I was not in trouble with my mother. True, I was old enough and an adult, but I feared my mother even when I was thirty-three, until her death. As soon as we got ready, we went straight to visit my Mom. I had to make sure that this was true and not a dream. My mother was waiting for me by the door and she looked happy. This was a good sign. I hadn't done anything wrong and my Mom was not mad at me.

She took me to her room and asked me how it was. What? My Mom was actually asking me about sex? Well, it was simple. I said, "last night I don't remember a thing but this morning we did it and it was good. We giggled like two silly girls and then we joined the rest of the family.

This was the happiest day of my entire marriage. Seeing how my mother looked at me; for the first time in my life she seemed to be truly proud of my womanhood. I don't know why because it was all a lie but she couldn't tell and it was fine with me as long as she was happy with me.