Owning the Victim Life

I will not be hypocritical about how I felt about being abuse. I hated when it was done to me but at the same time it brought some kind of relief. I felt degraded and violated for a long time but the time came when I needed it like an alcoholic need his booze and then, I only felt shame for my feelings.

Part of me wanted the abuse and the other part wanted to kill me. Indeed, I am responsible for allowing the abuse to go on for so long but I was still a child. I was very alone and afraid of being without a mother. If I told, my mother would leave me. She couldn't deal with the truth and found it easier to put all the blame on me and I had no defense against it.

It is not an easy thing expressing myself the way I have in this book. At times, I just have to stop writing because the truth hits me hard in the face and I can't hide from it. I could keep things from you but I am committed to giving you the truth and that means that the mask is off and I will not hide behind my innocence or the fact that I was a victim.

True, I was a victim but not only of my parents and others who hurt me throughout my life; mostly, I was a victim of myself. I abused myself more than anything else did because long after I grew up I allowed people to come into my life to continue the abuse.

I have been my worst enemy. I accepted the abuse as a normal thing in my life and I kept it as part of my existence.

I have lived my entire life positioning myself for abuse, the perfect victim. I was always willing to be victimized. I needed to be otherwise, I would feel like a foreigner, like a fish out of water and so out of place.

I simply lived the life of a victim without escape from a hurtful and dark past. Now I have taken responsibility for my present and my future. I now understand that my past was obscured and that I was horribly wronged and cheated of a good and safe (normal) childhood. But now I have a choice of what my life should be today and how my future will be tomorrow because of God's grace upon my life. God has given us all free will to choose how we want to live our lives and nothing nor anyone can take it away from us unless we give them permission to do so.

I chose to be happy and to use my experience to help others. Make a positive out of a negative no matter how big or small it is, I must use it for good. What devil intended and planned to cause me harm, God has turned it around for my good. I can sit around the rest of my life moping and feeling sorry for myself, allowing my mind and heart to drown in my sorrows and not making an effort to help anyone to cope, survive and overcome their experience. Then again, I can pick up my pieces, put them together, not forgetting what I have lived but putting it to good use for the benefit of others and myself. That is what God wants me to do and I am willing to obey Him.

My experiences have made me committed to helping other victims of abuse understand that they can have a good life in spite of what they have gone through. I want to open my life and my heart to everyone who feels alone. There is light at the en of the tunnel. The light is that of the Holy Spirit and the tunnel leads to Jesus who suffered abuse until He died on a cross. He understands what we have been through and therefore, He can comfort us. He suffered, He died but He also resurrected victorious that we to may have victory in our lives.