How Can I Forgive?

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

How can I forgive? This question haunted me for quite a time because I couldn’t understand why I should forgive people who hurt me deliberately and repeatedly and for such a long time. They made me miserable to the point of sickness and desiring death more than life but I was expected to just forgive.

Well, as a Christian, I wanted to obey God because I love God and I wanted to follow His laws. So, I went on my knees and confessed to God that I was forgiving my stepfather and I felt that it was over.

Now, his brother, that was another story. He didn’t deserve my forgiveness and I opted to totally ignore him and not even acknowledge him and I was satisfied and proud with my so called act of forgiveness.

Then the flashbacks came like floods bringing with it all the emotions and awful memories of the past and I would find myself back where I started, bitter and hurt.

I struggled with a duality in my character. One day I thought I had forgiven them all, then they would hurt me or if something went wrong and I would feel the same old hate/anger again. It’s obvious I didn’t understand the meaning of forgiveness.

To forgive is:
to stop being angry about or resenting somebody or somebody's behavior;
to excuse somebody for a mistake, wrongdoing, or inappropriate behavior;
to cancel an obligation such as a debt; to release, to let go.

Well, if that is forgiveness, I couldn’t forgive, not for real. I wanted to but I couldn’t find how to do it. Every time I tried, I was defeated by what kept pouring out of my heart. If I wanted to let go so bad, why was I holding on so strong?

I realized that I first needed to forgive myself in order to forgive another. My problem was that I was too comfortable being a victim. It was easier for me to seek to forgive those that hurt me than forgiving myself. The Bible explains that you have to love your neighbor, which includes those who hurt you, as you love yourself. Well, what happens when you don’t really love yourself? How can you love another? When you cannot forgive yourself, how can you forgive another?

I often hear people say that it is easier to forgive others than yourself. Although I understand what they mean by it, I don’t necessarily agree with them . In my opinion it is not easier to forgive another than forgiving yourself. Instead, it is acceptable in our minds, identifying what someone else has done to us and accuse them, to then forgive them rather than it is accepting and accusing ourselves. Therefore, we justify by thinking that forgiveness of others is easier.

I believe that is just the excuse we use to hold on to whatever it is that kept us connected to that hurt or person. That is the link that keeps us attached to that which became engraved in us and we refuse to let go of. Not because we don’t want to let go but because we have ownership and control over that thing and we feel the need to remain its master.

As humans, we don’t always rationalize things intelligently, especially when we are emotionally unstable. When our lives are involved in chaos, we don’t always feel capable of being in control of situations. So, we hold on to the thing we have mastered and often it is that which binds us to our past hurts because that has been our safety net for a long time.

We identify and relate well with our victimization because whether we want to accept it or not, it gives us some level of control. Have you ever been seriously hurt by someone and forgiven them only to feel righteous because you forgave them? Of course yes! Why? Because it gives you some kind of control over the situation and even over the person.

“I am the victim and even though you hurt me so badly, I forgive you.”
Can you read in between the lines of this sentence? Try breaking it down in your own words. So, what did you come up with? I tell you my version.

I am the victim: You should feel bad for picking on me. I deserve better treatment from you; you were unfair in your actions towards me. You don’t care about me and you don’t feel sorry for what I have been through. Can you not see the scars of my wounds, I am seriously hurt.

Even though your hurt me: You are a bad person. You are so guilty and deserve to be punished. You hurt me and did me wrong, really wrong… Because I am a better person than you, I am willing… You don’t deserve my forgiveness, You are not worthy of…

I forgave you: I am righteous enough to be good to you. I don’t have to but because I am a nice person… You should be thankful that… You must appreciate what I am doing because I don’t have to.

Wow! How is that true forgiveness? I call that a sense of pride powered by the ownership of our sufferings and our privileges under the victim’s rights law in our minds.

Can you imagine if that was God’s attitude towards our continual sinful behavior? I don’t think we would stand a chance.

I know that we don’t really stop to think about our actions and the true trigger of them but if we did, we would see that many of the things we do are not done as God intended them to be. We act and react based on our perception of what should be and not by what God specifies it should be. Then we find all kinds of reasons to justify and excuse the outcome or consequences of our actions.

Listen to this story. I shared it in another chapter but since then I’ve learned something new. My stepfather was on his death bed. I felt in my heart that it was a matter of hours before he died and I was doing the night watch so I had private access to him. I made up my mind to do something about the pain and the weight I was carrying around because of him.

That night I waited until everyone left and I gave him time to settle down. I could see that he felt his life coming to a close and he was scared. It was the perfect time to help him be at peace. I held his hand gently and with as much love as I could feel for him; I did love him very much. He was looking at me and when I began to speak, he closed his eyes. I said to him, “Daddy, I love you and I forgive you for everything you did to me.” He didn’t say a word but he squeezed my hand and a tear rolled down his cheek. He fell asleep and the night was quiet and peaceful. The next day, he died.

At the moment, I was doing this in all honesty and with all the sincerity I had in my heart but this sacred moment got contaminated when I allowed myself to revisit it with expectations of what I had previously perceived that moment would be like.

When I thought of forgiving him, I imagined him turning to me, opening his mouth and either asking me to forgive him or at least accept the forgiveness verbally. I was expecting him to say the words. It wasn’t enough for me to know that he had lived with the guilt of what he did, or that he had accepted the Lord and wanted to do right. No, I had a need. I needed him to validate what he did so that I could authenticate and seal my victim status through his confession.

I am sure that if he had spoken words of repentance, I would have been having the greatest pity party ever. Telling my mother and my siblings how sorry he was for what he had done to me and at the same time establishing the veracity of the accounts of my life.

This hunger was rooted on the fact that when I told my sisters about the abuse, I didn’t get the response I expected. In my expectations I didn’t stop to think about what they would feel when I accused their father of unspeakable things. I thank God that although they couldn’t fully relate to me, they didn’t refuse me nor did they deny that something happened to me and their father was responsible for it.

You see, when I offered him forgiveness, I did it with good intentions; I wanted him to die in peace and I wanted him to understand that I loved him and I no longer held evil against him but because I didn’t understand true forgiveness, I couldn’t hold on to the sacredness of the moment. I often found myself falling on my knees to renew the forgiveness I had offered him before he died. Some how, I had managed to turn my forgiving him into another pillar that sustained my sufferings. Instead of letting go, I had risen to a higher level of victimization, all on my own.

Well, I grew weary of the struggle and began searching for a way to forgive those who trespassed against me and I stumbled upon a very popular verse which I have read countless times without being moved. The difference was that this day was not the same as the other days. This time I was ready and open to welcoming a change and therefore, the verse shed new light in me and spoke depth into my spirit. I was enlightened because I was ready and positioned to learn and receive.

Matthew 6:12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

Forgiveness has to first begin with ourselves. If our heart is not right, how can we make a right decision? If we have not tasted from the cup of forgiveness, how will we ever know what it is we should offer another? If we have not been forgiven, why would our heart want to forgive those who have wronged us? If we don’t understand forgiveness for ourselves, then how can we truly forgive?

After reading this verse, these questions bombarded my mind and what I thought I had knowledge of, was no more. My old foundation of forgiveness was demolished. I realized that what I thought was forgiveness had no true value and consequently did not offer permanent closure to the matter at hand.

I repented in my heart before God for rebelling against His gift of forgiveness. I desperately accepted the forgiveness God offered me and because He forgave me I too forgave myself. I simply let go of everything that gave me the right to feel violated and victimized. I released the ownership I had over my suffering of the past and I heard the shackles begin to fall. Then I was able to start the process of forgiving others.

I forgave my mother. I forgave my stepfather and his brother. I forgave my father for not being in my life the way I thought I needed him to be. I forgave people in my past who participated in causing me grief and suffering. I forgave every man who were ever part of my self-destruction behavior and so I continued forgiving down the list until I had no more forgiving to do.

With each forgiveness, tons of weight fell off my shoulders and by the time I was done, the burden was lifted and I drank of a freedom which produced in me a peace I never knew existed.

Certainly, forgiveness is always thought to be about the one who did the hurting, the transgressor, the debtor. The truth is that when we forgive, truly forgive, we let go of what kept us wrongfully attached to that person. More beautiful yet is that forgiveness is about healing yourself by releasing hate, contempt, desire for revenge and negative thoughts which only serve to poison your body, your mind and your spirit.

Forgiveness marks the beginning of a new life. It is a state of being reborn.

I forgave those who I once despised. They felt good about it but not as good as I felt, once I simply let go.