My Reality

Hey, I didn't make the rules. Don't think that I don't feel responsible for being abused as an adult. I do. I believed that if I wasn't such a weak and needy person, I might have told on them. At the same time, I also dealt with guilt issues because I know that there were times when I allowed them to do whatever they wanted with me because I was addicted to being abused. I confess that there were times when I wanted them to show up and do me something. I was feeding on that thing for a long time and I developed a hunger for it.

I will not be hypocritical about how I felt about being abuse.
I hated when it was done to me but at the same time it brought some kind of relief. I felt degraded and violated for a long time but the time came when I needed it like an alcoholic need his booze and then, I only felt shame for my feelings.

Part of me wanted the abuse and the other part wanted to kill me. Indeed, I am responsible for allowing the abuse to go on for so long but I was still a child. I was very alone and afraid of being without a mother. If I told, my mother would leave me. She couldn't deal with the truth and found it easier to put all the blame on me and I had no defense against it.

It is not an easy thing expressing myself the way I have in this book. At times, I just have to stop writing because the truth hits me hard in the face and I can't hide from it. I could keep things from you but I am committed to giving you the truth and that means that the mask is off and I will not hide behind my innocence or the fact that I was a victim.

True, I was a victim but not only of my parents and others who hurt me throughout my life; mostly, I was a victim of myself. I abused myself more than anyone else did because long after I grew up, I allowed people to come into my life to continue the abuse.

I have been my worst enemy. I accepted the abuse as a normal thing in my life and I kept it as part of my existence. I have lived my entire life positioning myself for abuse, the perfect victim. I was always willing to be victimized. I needed to be otherwise, I would feel like a foreigner, like a fish out
of water and so out of place.

All my life I lived with the feeling that some day I would be raped. I constantly waited to be raped. Can you imagine that? The thing is that I have actually been raped but I accepted it as part of a relationship.

I was raped many times and never recognized it as rape. To me, it was just the norm. It was just another person who wanted to be my friend and was aggressive in order to prove how much they loved me. “Yep, they must really like me a lot because they wanted to have sex with me and they would force me if necessary.” That was the type of reasoning that justified, in my mind, that it was okay for a man to force me to be with him.

I realized I had a serious problem when I was working for a guy who was abusive to his employees. He yelled obscenities and would even physically push them around at times. I remember him giving an order, which involved about four of us to get it done. I did my part but the rest of them did not know how soon he would be back. They were taking their time and making jokes.
When he got back the work was not done. Only my part was completed but was no good without their task. He asked all of us to follow him. Then he sent me back to my desk. I could hear him yelling at them and the way he treated them, you would think he was dealing with a dog or some animal. He kept going and going, getting louder by the second.

I was overwhelmed and wanted to start screaming. I had to restrain myself because I wanted to throw myself in front of him for punishment. Right then, I understood that my thinking was sick and that I was stuck to being abused. I got scared and confused because I couldn't believe that a twenty-six year old woman could feel this way.

I realized that although the years had gone by, my mind was living as though I was still a child and holding on to the abuse like it was the only thing that was true and valid in my life. I decided to quit that day, the job and my behavior. I was beyond scared, I was petrified for myself. I think a part of my brain was asleep and had just woken up for the first time in years.

I began thinking back at how I was living my life and by the time I was done, I was physically ill. Thinking was the scariest of all things to me because the things I was reliving in my mind were not normal and I couldn’t understand how or why I was allowing myself to live like I was not worth a dime. Things were so bad for me that I was literally in pain and had to stay in bed for several days. That was truly a rude awakening for me and although I wish I could go back to sleeping the way I was before, I wanted more for myself.
I wanted my life to be real but I was in trouble.

Adjusting to a more positive thinking is hard and takes a lot of patience, which sometimes I ran out of. Reconditioning my mind to feel safe and deserving and being treated good or right by others and myself has been a continuous battle,
I face it daily.

God had to step in to take away the self-loathing and abandonment I had for my self. God had compassion for me and poured of His love into my heart. He showered me with attention and cared for my wounds. He washed away the unworthiness and every unholy spirit. God set me free from bondage and broke me out from the prisons of abuse and sexual addictions. My awesome Lord renewed my mind and made me a new creature, one that can love and be loved in the purest of ways.

After so many years of hating and feeling disgust for myself to the point of wanting to take my own life, I have learned to love and appreciate myself. The feelings of unworthiness were always more overwhelming than any other emotion except that of fear. I never felt that I was worthy of being loved or having someone to love. Life had no meaning or purpose for me.
Don’t think that I am saying that I have arrived. Every day our mind is renewed by the Word of God and if we open our minds and submit to God, He brings more light into our lives and we become more and more enlightened.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 2Corinthians 4:16




“To Abusers”

You might not know it,
You might not even care

You might have forgotten it,
But I have something to share.

You did not look into my eyes,
You never heard me cry.
Reality is what you can't deny,
No matter how hard you try.

You came into my life as a friend,
Or a family member I can trust

With me you never cared to pretend,
You gave ample freedom to your lust.

It didn't matter that I was a child,
My feelings, my innocence, didn't matter at all.
You took what you wanted, leaving me defiled,
Wanting to break me, such a fall.Instead;

Compassion grew from suffering;
Pain thought me humility,

Forgiveness brought me healing;
Today, I am and I regained my dignity

.God picked up the pieces of my shattered dreams,

He mended the wounds of my broken heart,

And my life now shines with a beautiful gleam,

Designed by my maker like a piece of art.